Aileen Jeffries

I’ll admit this is only possible because my Citizens are delightfully stretchy and there’s some unfortunate muffin-toppery going on, but I’ll take this victory.

1. You conceive, carry to term and deliver a child and still the remodel continues
2. You start to enjoy classic rock
3. Even minor frustrations must be met with a slew of four-letter words
4. Large amounts of cash, such as the tax rebate or the hospital’s bill for labor and delivery seem inconsequential
5. You think of the Honey Bucket in the front yard as a fourth bathroom
6. Your contractor starts to receive mail at your house
7. Burning construction debris now seems like a practical way to stay warm or cook food
8. Your morning routine includes unlocking the front door so the crew can come in and crawling back into bed
9. You’ve been hearing “just two more weeks!” for the past 3 months
10. Your infant is soothed by the house-shaking sounds of drilling into concrete

Now that Kes and I have a little one to support, we decided to get life insurance. This involved a medical check up where basic health metrics such as our blood pressure, height/weight, cholesterol, etc were taken. We did so well we’re getting a discount offered to only 4% of those who apply for life insurance. At one point in the evaluation, the nurse asked Kes, “Wow, do you run???” which prompted me to blurt out, “Only if something is chasing him!” If I didn’t occasionally cook dinner for him, I think he’d happily subsist entirely on Red Bull, $1 frozen pizzas, ramen and Hot Pockets. He’s my little corn koala.

I’m unjustifiably proud of being in the elite 4%.

Others have pointed this out (there’s probably an entire blog devoted to this inanity somewhere), but I’ve long followed the headlines on home page of cnn.com with a mixture of bemusement and disdain. There are usually a few each day that are clearly intended to appeal to the worst of what makes us human. “Baby mauled by family puppy as mom sleeps – watch!” “Small Plane Flies into Manhattan Skyscraper. Fire! Death! Confusion! Terrorism?” And the all-time great: “Pandas! Pandas! Pandas!”

It is with some embarrassment that I admit to getting sucked in by one such headline today: 6th severed foot found off Canadian coast. The article is all that I was hoping it would be. Apparently, feet, still in shoes, are washing up near a small town in British Columbia. The first four were all right feet.